I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Randomize
