I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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