i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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