I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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