you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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