i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
