why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
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wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
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How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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