I could have mohawked her pubes.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
