Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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