Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
