Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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