i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
