I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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