I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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