I'm so fucking centered right now
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Randomize
