Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
