so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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