oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
