they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
