Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
