I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's never too late to be topless.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
