I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
