I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
