he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
