I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
