tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
