If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
