my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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