Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
