So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
