Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
