Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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