Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
