so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
