There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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