Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
