Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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