I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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