R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
