I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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