upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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