The maid of honor just puked.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
