in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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