My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
