She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Randomize
