If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My balls are so social today.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
