Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
