its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
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I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
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Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.