The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
