just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
