she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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