I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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