I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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