happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
