I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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