I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
