My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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