This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
