you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
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Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
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I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities