the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
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It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
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CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??