How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
