I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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