I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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