Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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