You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I want to fling myself into the sun
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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